


The Teeth by the Shoulder

by Ghostcat



Series: All Things Go [5]
Category: Veronica Mars (TV), Veronica Mars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Antagonism, Best Friends, Canon Speculation, Drug Use, F/M, Female Friendship, First Kiss, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Humor, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, One Shot, POV Female Character, Pre-Season/Series 01, Pre-Series, Rage, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-24
Updated: 2014-03-11
Packaged: 2018-01-13 09:02:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1220431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghostcat/pseuds/Ghostcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two couples, two friendships. The Fab Four in three Octobers. Pre-series. Part of the non-chronological All Things Go series, works as a one-shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. October 2001, Lilly and Logan

**Author's Note:**

> Rated T for language. Eventual M for canonical character death, drug use, teen alcohol abuse, sexual situations and the after effects of grief/mourning.
> 
> This three chapter story takes place on October 2001, 2002, and 2003. Canon speculation.
> 
> Part 5 of a longer series, All Things Go, based on a playlist of song prompts. "The Water" by Feist is the prompt for this one. Works as a one-shot.
> 
> I do not own these characters, they belong to Rob Thomas.
> 
> Enormous thank you to [Blithers](http://blithers.tumblr.com/), for being my beta, my Captain. This story, especially Chapter Two, was rough sailing. Big concrete ups to you always.
> 
> Thank you to [Petpluto](http://petpluto.tumblr.com/) for giving an early draft of Chapter One a kind read.
> 
> The song Lilly is dancing to in the first chapter is "Hella Good" by No Doubt.
> 
> Please review. Thanks!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> October 2001. Veronica heads over to the Kanes for a sleepover, realizes that coed parties are going to be a thing now, and misses something unexpected that's going on with Lilly.

I.

She spun, she was a spinner. She ended her impromptu dance by holding her hand up to the sun, wiggling her fingers in imitation of wind-shook tree branches. She stopped short, remembering herself, and glanced up at the windows, hoping that the boys hadn't been watching. Not that she was embarrassed, only that she hadn't meant to be seen. Not like this, not with her shoes off, twirling aimlessly on the lawn, yellow skirt flaring out, interpreting leaf light shimmer.

It was a warmer than usual October. It felt glorious. She had to move. She walked up to the front door, slipping her Keds on as she rang the doorbell.

Miri let her into the Kane’s with a wan smile which Veronica now knew to be her over-the-moon face. She must be great at cards. Maybe Veronica could convince Logan to find out if those suspicions were correct. Veronica jumped up the stairs, taking two at a time, making a mental note to ask him. 

She turned the corner in the white-on-white hallway, passing by Duncan’s room. Veronica backtracked and snuck a look in. Logan was sitting on Duncan’s bed, an open laptop resting on his thighs, squeezing a stress ball in his right hand. Duncan was nowhere to be seen.

“Hey.”

He glanced up at her and gave her a crooked smile. “Hey. Catch.” 

Logan threw the ball at her. She caught it and threw it back automatically.

“Whoa. Where are your braces?”

“Gone.” He licked the front of his teeth.

“I thought you were supposed to have them for another year?”

He threw the ball back at her, making no effort to elaborate.

She sighed. Typical Logan, never answer a question directly when he could be deliberately mystifying.

Veronica wandered around Duncan’s bedroom, tossing the ball up in the air. It was huge and could easily fit her bedroom in it two times over. It even had _a couch_ and was tidier than any teenager’s room had a right to be. This was mostly Duncan’s doing. He was so used to constantly cleaning up after Lilly when she dumped her purses and backpacks on every single surface of their museum-like house that he’d become a neat freak by default. She peered at the photos on Duncan’s bulletin board; mostly landscapes, a dog, some of his friends. One was of him and Logan, no more than 7 or 8, dressed like superheroes and running towards the camera, mouths open in a shout. Most guys would be embarrassed for people to look at something like that. Not Duncan. She touched it with her finger, leaving a small but noticeable print. She looked up to see Logan watching her, smiling that “I know something” smile of his. She turned her back to him and pretended to be interested in Duncan’s bookshelf. _Well, someone liked John Irving._

“Where’s your better half?” Veronica asked.

“Out by the pool being a gracious host.”

“Why, who else is here?”

“Some people from our class.”

“Aaaand why are you in here? All alone?” she wheedled.

He hit a few keys on the computer. “Well, I was doing my own form of entertaining,” he glanced down at his watch, “...about five minutes ago. My company took off in search of refreshments. She was very thirsty.”

“Should I be making the international sign for gag?”

His smile grew wider. “If you like.”

“Gross.”

“Oh, don’t you worry your pretty little head. It was age-appropriate PG-13 action at best.”

“Who was your unfortunate victim?”

“Tell you what, go down to the pool, check out the suspects and see if you’re as good as the Sheriff at sniffing out the guilty. If you guess right, I’ll give you a treat. Speaking of which… where’s Lilly?”

Veronica pivoted on her heel with a gasp. “Oh my god, did you just call her by name? Is it the apocalypse?”

“Har de har har.”

Veronica threw the ball up in the air a few times, then motioned to him with her chin and threw. He caught it, barely moving his arm, the catch showy in its ease.

“Why do you want to know?” she asked, a small smile tugging at her lips.

Logan yawned, then shrugged, putting the ball down next to him. He balanced the laptop on his legs as he reached out to grab his shoulder, using three fingers to rub it as he moved his arm around, elbow out, like a wing.

“I dunno. Haven’t seen her yet, usually she’s nagged me to death by now.”

“Maybe she doesn’t want to see you. How ‘bout that?”

“Somehow I doubt it.” He tilted his face, his lips twitching slightly.

“Or maybe she didn’t want to interrupt your ‘activities’.”

“Are you kidding? She loves to break up a party. She’s the mini-Celeste.”

“But ‘hot’, right?” Veronica teased.

Logan had accidentally slipped his newfound appreciation for Lilly’s appearance last week and Veronica wasn’t about to let him forget it.

“Yeah. That too. Though I don’t know… ” He glanced towards the hallway and lowered his voice slightly. “…take away the personality and ole Celeste ain’t half bad.”

Veronica grimaced and tried to shake off the unwanted image of Lilly’s mom being seductive. Towards Logan. Double awful. “Thanks. I’ll be having nightmares tonight.”

He laughed and threw the stress ball at her, suddenly, without warning. She caught it deftly with her left hand.

Logan squinted and puckered his lips into an impressed pout. “Nice reflexes. I always forget you’re part-cat. I should get you a cute little collar with a bell. Something sparkly to match your personality.” 

He fluttered his fingers at her. Veronica did an impromptu soft shoe in response. He widened his eyes.

“What? You said sparkly. I'm being sparkly.” She did a step ball change and Logan laughed outright, shaking his head. Getting him to laugh his higher register, real deal, hadn't-meant-to, sharp exhale of a laugh felt like victory. He was stingy with those. _Someone give the girl a prize._

“Oh, Logan. I had something to ask you…”

He raised his eyebrows. “Something? What about all the other things you just asked me? The who, where, why, whats that come with the whole friend-of-Veronica package?”

“A favor. Shoot. I can’t remember.”

“Well, let me know if it comes to you.” Logan put the corner of his shirt collar in his mouth, chewing on it absentmindedly and turned his attention back to the computer screen. His hand hovered over the keys and his eyes periodically darted towards the door. Something was up.

“What are you doing?” she said, taking a few steps towards the bed before stopping with a gasp. “Oh no. Are you looking at _porn_ , Logan?”

“Nope. The opposite of porn. Reading Duncan’s diary.”

“WHAT? No, you’re not.”

“It’s so boring, but I can’t stop. I’m skimming, maybe it gets more exciting.”

“Shut up, that’s not funny.” She shook her head but stepped forward again, her knees hitting the edge of the bed.

“I'm barely in it. What do you think? Should I be insulted?” Logan looked up at her, grinning, his eyes guileless and large. “Wanna see?”

Veronica looked over at the door, listened for noise, movement, but there was nothing.

“I know you want to. Come here. Have a gander.” He patted the spot next to him.

“No.” She shook her head, suddenly understanding. “No. No way, you just want to trick me into looking at something completely disgusting.”

He laughed. “Like what, exactly?”

Veronica crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes.

“Tell you what. If D.K. says anything about you, I’ll let you know.” Logan winked at her.

She turned and headed for the door, talking to him over her shoulder. “Thanks, Logan. Nice try. Byeeeee, enjoy your porn.”

Veronica made her way over to Lilly’s room and knocked on the door.

“Who is it?” Lilly whispered.

“It’s me.”

Lilly opened the door. She was in a short robe, blotting her mouth with a tissue, her lips an opaque violet.

Veronica gave her a practiced air kiss. “Well, hello, gorgeous. Fashionably late, are we?”

“Too much?” Lilly turned sideways and batted her eyelashes.

“No, you look amazing.”

“But do I look sexy?”

“Umm, you realize that it’s just boys from our class, right?”

“I know. They were all here last night too. Dad and Celeste were at some snoozy event in L.A. and Logan bullied Duncan into having a thing.”

“Oh. Why didn’t you call me?” Veronica asked.

“It was really last minute. And, _unchaperoned_ , your dad always finds out. Believe me, _you_ wouldn't have wanted to be there. Everyone was drinking, smoking pot and making out.”

“ _What?_ ”

“They played 7 Minutes in Heaven,” said Lilly in her best femme fatale voice, flipping her hair over her shoulder. “LAME-OS.”

Veronica face flushed in a rush of heat. She sat down at the edge of Lilly’s bed.

“It was hilarious.” Lilly dug around her jewelry box. “I mean, _I_ wasn’t playing but I _had_ to duck into Donut’s room to see what they were doing. I feel sorry for you, V. It doesn’t look like you have any quality kissers in your class. Why couldn’t you be a freshman with me at Neptune High, you’re old enough.”

“I’m already the second smallest girl in _my_ class, Lilly. It’s embarrassing.”

“Why? Like any of that matters. You’re petite. Big effin’ deal. Besides, guys love that.”

Lilly turned to Veronica holding up two different earrings, a delicate hoop and a diamond stud. Veronica nodded towards the diamond stud, then looked down at her feet. Her left sneaker had a black smudge on the toe, she crossed her feet to cover it up. Lilly kneeled down in front of her.

“Verooooonicaaaa. C’mon, don’t look so bummed out. We’ll find you an older guy to smooch, a sophomore, someone who knows what they’re doing. Most of the boys I’ve seen are losers, but maybe there’s a diamond in the rough we can make over.” Lilly's eyes widened, gleaming like a dangerous idea. “Like Grease in reverse. You can be post-makeover Sandy and I’ll be Rizzo.”

Veronica laughed. Lilly was always Rizzo.

“Or we don’t have to do anything," Lilly continued. "Just wait for your gentleman caller to reveal himself.”

“Don’t you mean my prince?”

“Yes! Only the best for Princess Veronica.”

Lilly leaned forward and put her head on Veronica’s knee. Veronica ran her fingers through Lilly’s hair. It was silky, straight and several shades of blonde, slender gradient strands of ash, gold, white, dirty, and wheat blended into one lustrous whole. Her own hair was less impressive. She had to negotiate with the brush and the hair products to get it to stay put and not curl and wave. Not Lilly’s, hers was all the time, shampoo commercial, flip-it-over-your-shoulder-in-slow-motion, perfect.

“Lilly. Do you have a hair tie in your pocket?”

“Yeah.”

“Give it to me. Now put your head back where it was, please.”

Veronica separated three sections by Lilly’s temple and started braiding. Yes, one slim braid on each side, clipped in the middle. It would look pretty.

Lilly sighed. “V?”

“Lil?”

“You know I talk too much, don’t you? Don’t listen to me. I’m stupid and pushy and a bitch.”

“You are none of those things and you know it. You are the fabulous Lilly Kane.”

 “V?”

“Yeees?”

“That feels so nice. I’m going to drool on you now.”

“That’s okay. What’s a little spittle between friends? You’ll make it up to me.” Veronica exhaled sharply, and straightened her shoulders. “So… ” she began, trying to keep the tightness out of her voice, aiming for a lighter sound, the one her dad told her the guiltless had. “…who got lucky?”

“Weeell… Donut kissed some girl, your class, can’t remember her name. Big knockers though, dumb?”

Veronica willed herself to keep braiding but the information made her pause, and she lost the order of the strands. “Sorry,” she murmured. She took the braid apart and started over. She sighed. “That could be anybody, Lilly.”

“It looked totally nasty and I’m not just saying that ‘cause it was Donut. I mean, he shook her hand when it was over, Veronica.”

Veronica giggled. “No, he didn’t.”

“Yes. He did. Who does that? Oh. And in other repulsive news,” Lilly drawled, “some girl named Pammy or Tammy was humping Logan’s leg like a dog. Embarrassing.”

“Tammy?” Veronica smiled. Gotcha, Echolls.

“She’s here again today,” Lilly continued, using her airy heiress voice reserved for those she considered boring or not worthy of her attention. “I think she wants to be his girlfriend. She probably just wants to fuck his dad.”

“Ew. Mr. Echolls’ is so tan and leathery, he looks like a handbag.”

“Veronica Mars, you are secretly the meanest and I love you.”

“He seems okay in movies but he’s so skinny in person. And his head is HUGE. The proportions are all off. I don’t get it. Logan looks normal… ish.”

Lilly snorted. Veronica finished the first braid, and patted Lilly’s arm. “Sit up, I need to do the other one.” Lilly did as she was told and Veronica began the other side, painstakingly making sure that the three sections were even with the first.

“Do you think it looks like beef jerky?” Lilly asked, too innocently.

“What?”

“Aaron’s dick?”

“Oh god. Lilly!”

Lilly giggled wickedly. “It probably _tastes_ like beef jerky.”

“Oh, come on! It’s like you and Logan are in cahoots to make me lose my lunch today.”

“Why? What did Logan do?”

“Nothing. He was just his usual boy self.”

“So this Tammy person? Do you know her?”

“Tammy Forrester. I think she said ‘excuse me’ snootily to me once. Her dad is famous pro-golfer Don Forrester.”

“Snoozeville. You should’ve seen it. She kept rubbing Logan’s back and whispering in his ear. Amateur.” Lilly flipped her hair over her shoulder.

“Well, she obviously doesn’t read Cosmo. Okay. Done. Now tie them together.”

Lilly took a hair tie from her robe pocket, felt the braids with her fingers and tied them. Veronica leaned back on her arms, watching Lilly’s face carefully as she admired the results in the mirror.

Veronica narrowed her eyes. “Did you partake in this spit swap meet? ‘Fess up.”

“No. Well. Yes. But only because I felt it was my duty to show them how it’s really done.”

Veronica raised her eyebrow.

“One boy. I swear.” Lilly said indignantly.

“Who was it? If you say Logan, I’m going to laugh at you for the rest of your life.”

Lilly shot her a look, opened her mouth and closed it. Veronica knew she was holding back information, she could read the deliberations in her face, plain as day.

“No… not him. Casey Gant.”

“He _is_ cute. And in your class.”

“He’s okay. And _practically_ a year younger.” Lilly sprayed some perfume on her pulse points, then went back to the mirror and assessed herself from various angles.

Veronica sat up. “Wait… if it was 7 minutes in Heaven, how could they see you? Wouldn’t you be in a closet?”

“We didn’t make it to the closet.”

“Lilly!”

“What? Believe me, I educated the masses. I am the Mother Theresa of your class clique. Girls will be thanking me for the visual tutorial I gave their boyfriends. After our demo everybody opted for public.

“Weeeeelll? How was it? Kissing Casey? Was it nice?”

Lilly looked pensive. “My eyes stayed open. That’s never a good sign.”

“So I take it you won’t be going steady?”

“Definitely not. Have you ever talked to him? It’s like, an airport lounge of boring. His face is totally wasted on him.”

Lilly rolled her eyes. No one rolled their eyes like Lilly because Lilly put her whole body into it. Also, no one had those eyes, enormous and expressive.

“Besides he was all tongue and spit, no finesse. If I’m going to be making out regularly with someone younger than me, he’d better bring it.”

Lilly stuck her pinky in a little jar of lip gloss and smeared it over the color already on her lips. She turned fast and placed her hands on her hips, pouting. Veronica slid down in front of her and put her hands up like a camera. Lilly parted her lips.

Veronica was ready. “Click,” she said.

Lilly shook her head back and forth, then turned sideways to give her a profile shot.

“So good. So good, sweetheart. Now do the claws.” Veronica said, doing her best “fashion photographer” voice.

Lilly pawed at the air and snarled.

“Perfection. You are a seductive tigress. You are the best animal in the business.”

Lilly turned up the radio and jumped up on the bed. She swung her hair around. Veronica pretended to take several pictures in rapid succession. Lilly mouthed along to the lyrics. _The waves keep on crashing on me for some reason._

“I know. I need a surfer.” Lilly said, biting her lip on the f.

“This is Dick Casablancas’ lucky day, isn’t it?”

“No way. Like I’d let that idiot touch all of this.” Lilly undid the tie around her waist and dropped her robe, revealing an impossibly small black bikini underneath.

“Whoa! That is… ”

Lilly stopped posing and stared at her. “What? It doesn’t look good?”

“No, not at all. Umm, you look like a Brazilian Sports Illustrated model.”

“Awesome! That was exactly what I was going for. Yes!”

Lilly spread her arms out, grabbing Veronica’s hands and pulling her up on the bed. They jumped up and down, squealing, singing along to the song urging them to keep on dancing.

“Did somebody say Brazilian?” 

Logan leaned against the doorway. The girls stopped jumping, and stood there, panting and holding hands.

He put his hand on his chest. “Don’t stop on my account. Oh, and if this becomes a pillow fight, _I’ll_ take pictures. It’s a good concept. A classic, even. Consider it.” He winked.

Veronica hopped down off the bed and threw Lilly’s robe at him. He put it over his head like a hood, and snickered.

“Logan, get out! We’re changing.” Veronica attempted to push him out of the room but couldn’t budge him, his soles seemed glued to the carpet. Behind her, she heard Lilly slide off the bed and walk over to her vanity. She lowered the music until it was a steady hum.

“Oh, please. You have your bathing suit on under your clothes, I can see the tie, and she has hers on too… I think? I can’t quite… tell.”

Logan squinted at Lilly in mock puzzlement, gliding over to her like a movie villain. He was taller than her too now. Lilly grabbed the front of her robe from the top of his head and pulled it over his face. Logan spun around, falling back on Lilly’s bed dramatically, crossing his ankles and putting his hands behind his head after landing. The robe still covered most of his face, but his mouth was visible, satisfied and smug.

“Logan. Keep your shoes off my bed.”

He kicked off his shoes, holding out his hands as if to say magic trick complete. “Anything else?”

“No.” Lilly paused. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

Veronica looked at Lilly with a frown, then back at Logan. She must’ve misheard that.

“You know, I think your bed is way more comfortable than DK’s.” He wiggled his toes.

“Logan,” Lilly commanded. “Look.”

Logan flipped the robe off of his face with a flick of his fingers. Lilly held up the same two earrings again, the ones she’d shown Veronica.

“The studs,” he said, after a moment.

“You think so?”

“Yeah. You’ll look nice.”

Lilly turned back to the mirror and put the earrings in. She walked over to the bed and handed Logan the backs. He scooted over, moved her hair with his thumb and gently held her earlobe. He put the back in and Lilly turned to him, the light hitting their faces and Veronica was struck suddenly by how beautiful they both were. She could see the fine hairs on their skin, the roundness of their cheeks, the soft pinks and reds of their coloring, the flare around them, the glow. Lilly looked down at the bedspread, then up at him, and Logan grinned. A real grin, expectant and free of calculation. Veronica was overwhelmed by the sudden urge to push their heads together. Or just their arms, their hands. Together. Take the picture, take the picture. Click.

 _Okay. That was weird_. Veronica cleared her throat. “You guys, I’m hungry. I think I’m going to head down. Lilly, you need me to do your back?”

“No, I’m good.”

“Okay, see you down by the pool then.”

Veronica ran out into the hallway and stopped at the sight of her reflection in an ornate mirror, suddenly remembering the prior night’s shenanigans that she was so, so glad she missed. Because Lilly was right, that wasn’t her scene. And yet... Maybe this was the day. Seven Minutes in Heaven. Truth or Dare. Spin the Bottle. That was how a lot of girls had their first kiss. Maybe it would fine, maybe it would be magical. Maybe it would be okay. Veronica breathed in big. She could do this. She twirled in front of the mirror, then sped off, quickening her step and running straight into a wall. A wall in a polo shirt.

“Sorry!”

“I’m sor- Veronica,” the wall blurted.

“Duncan! Oh my god!”

Duncan smiled down at her and she could’ve died, just died with the cuteness of him. His dimples and his eyes and his every little thing. And oh my god, how obvious was she. Talk. Just talk.

“Hi! You,” she managed.

“Are you… okay? You zoomed right into me.”

“I was just going to the kitchen. I’m starving.”

“We can’t have that. Come with me, m’lady.”

“Why thank you, kind sir.”

They walked together down the stairs with him jumping two ahead at the bottom and bending deep in a bow. She gave him her hand and curtsied back. It was always like this. So what if he didn’t say much. Duncan never made fun of her, he always played along, no matter how silly.

“Have you seen Logan?”

“Yeah, he’s with Lilly.”

“Uh oh.”

“Don’t call the authorities just yet. Just like last weekend, they’re not fighting. They’re calling each other by their actual names. He talks, she replies. You would almost think that they were…” she leaned in to whisper, “ _conversing_. Except not really. It’s eerie.”

“Huh.” Duncan looked up the stairs. Then at her, and smiled again. It was better than the sun. “SO, umm. My mom ordered canapes for everybody… Or would you rather have a sandwich?”

“Oh, Prince Kane. I may look dainty but I have the stomach of a brigand. I need some serious sandwichin’.”

“I can make you a sandwich.”

“ _You_ know how to make things?”

Duncan laughed. “I have dabbled in the sandwich arts before, yes.”

Huh. Funny _and_ talkative. Towards _her_. This was new.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Lead me to your ham, your cheese, your condiments.”

He laughed, looking down, his lashes fluttering. _Why did boys have such looong lashes? They didn’t even need them. It was so unfair._

“Veronica?”

“Yes. Yes?”

“It’s really nice to see you.”

“You just saw me last weekend, silly.”

“Yeah. Umm. I know.”

He stepped away from her then, walked on ahead, but it was okay. Because he kept looking back.


	2. October 2002, Duncan and Veronica

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> October 2002. What happens when you mix magic mushrooms, The Sound of Music, and spa time with Lilly and Logan? Veronica is about to find out.

II.

He was smiling in the picture, he had a small dimple next to a larger dimple, like a parenthesis after a comma, and she was trying her hardest not to keep looking at it. But she couldn't stop staring.

“Oh. Veronica. I didn't know you were here.”

She looked up and jumped back a little. Not enough to be obvious, but enough to feel embarrassed. Celeste Kane stood there, perfectly put together, a lacquered silken mannequin in an outfit that cost more than Veronica’s car. Well. Her mom’s car. Her dad was going to let her use it once she got her provisional license since her mother couldn't. Or shouldn't.

“Hello, Mrs. Kane. Mrs. Arroyo let me in.”

Mrs. Kane raised a single perfect eyebrow.

Veronica continued. “Sorry, I thought Lilly told you. I’m sleeping over tonight.”

“You girls still do that? How cute. And no. She didn't.” She smiled a smile that was all teeth and zero warmth.

Lilly’s mom was terrifying. Veronica always had the sneaking suspicion that she tolerated her because she was the person least likely to encourage Lilly’s wild streak. Veronica pulled on the hem of her knock off Ralph Lauren shirt dress and hoped that it didn't look too casual. Mrs. Kane gave her a quick but unmistakably judgmental once-over.

“That’s a nice color on you, dear.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Kane.”

“Mom, sorry, I-” Duncan came running in, dressed for tennis and holding a racket. Upon seeing Veronica, he smiled, his eyes blinking in surprise.

“Hi, Veronica.”

“Hi, Duncan.”

They stepped towards each other involuntarily but stopped short of hugging, both of them laughing breathily at the awkwardness. Veronica spoke first.

“Surprised to see you! I thought you were up in Napa this weekend.”

“Yeah, I was supposed to but I have a lot of homework and I didn't feel like doing it away from home.”

“Right. I can imagine.”

Of course, Veronica couldn't. She always did her homework from her local and supremely unexotic desk but she thought that was the right thing to say. Mrs. Kane cleared her throat. Veronica had forgotten she was there.

“Duncan, sweetie. I don’t want you to be late for your tennis lesson. Don’t forget that we've arranged for Franklin to start today. He is coming here an hour after your lesson, so you should have enough time to shower and change.”

Duncan's eyes darted towards Veronica's. He pursed his lips into an embarrassed smile, and shrugged apologetically. “My parents got me a tutor.”

Veronica nodded and smiled in Mrs. Kane’s direction. She didn't see it, she was already walking towards the door, pulling out her Blackberry. Duncan turned to follow but looked back at her.

“Talk to you later, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.”

She watched him go out the front door, took a big breath and went looking for Lilly.

 

* * *

 

After looking all over the main floor and Lilly's bedroom, she tried the den. Veronica wandered in, took in the tableau, let out a little screech of surprise and covered her face with both hands.

“Oh my god. What are you guys doing?”

Lilly was lying on the couch in a plush robe, iPod headphones in her ear, oblivious to her entrance. Veronica could hear “Seasons of Love” blaring. Logan, in a matching robe, was at Lilly's feet, diligently rubbing her heel.

“Well, _I_ am giving her a foot massage. _She’s_ listening to Rent. Earlier, we were watching The Sound of Music and before _that_ , well… ”

“No, Logan. I mean with your _faces_.”

Lilly yanked the cucumber slices off of her eyes, saw her and yelled, way too loud, “Veronica!” stretching out her arms. The bright blue of her clay mask made her look like a crazed Smurfette. Logan looked less crazed, but just as blue.

“Oh my god, these masks are great! Celeste gets this stuff by the caseload so you know it’s gotta be good. Our skin is going to look AMAZING.”

Veronica took the headphones out of Lilly’s ears. “Lilly. VOLUME.”

“Oops.” Lilly hugged her.

“Please don’t get that blue stuff on me.”

Lilly giggled and hugged her tighter. Veronica looked at Logan behind her. He grinned his largest Cheshire cat grin. _Wonderful._

“I love you.” Lilly murmured into her hair.

“Riiiight.” Veronica shot Logan a look. He made a “who, me?” gesture and sat back on the couch, the picture of innocence, if innocence was almost 6 feet tall and wore a fluffy robe.

“Logan, sweetie. Can you go get us some water?” Lilly said airily. Logan jumped up and took off.

“Actually, Logan, _sweetie_. Wait for me.” Veronica shouted over her shoulder.

She half-walked, half-flung Lilly back to the couch and ran after Logan, catching him in the hallway.

“WHAT is happening here?”

“Pampering?”

“Aaaand?”

“‘Shrooms?”

Veronica slapped her forehead. “LOGAN.”

“Don’t worry, we saved some for you and Dunk.”

Veronica shoved him on the shoulder. Hard.

“What? Like it was my idea.”

“When did you and Lilly take them?”

He looked at his wrist, which was watch-less. “About an hour ago.”

“I don’t know how this works, are you feeling anything?”

Logan closed one eye and squinted with the other, in thought or confusion, she couldn’t say. He was hard to get a handle on sometimes. Eventually, some conclusion was reached, and his face relaxed into its default amused state. He reached out to play with her hair, eyes enormous, pupils more so. She swatted his hand away.

“Well, I guess that answers that question.”

“Ouch. Ronnie. Hey. Hey. You have awesome teeth.”

Veronica snorted in reply.

“I’m serious. They’re really nice teeth. I’d tell you to smile more but that’s a fucking horrible thing to say to someone.”

Logan tented his fingers against the wall, pushing himself away and then coming back. He ducked his head down, lifting his eyebrows.

“Besides,” he mumbled, “you smile all the time.”

She smiled involuntarily, then shook her head, at herself, at him. This was Logan in a nutshell, deflect and distract. _Don't let him._

“Logan. Focus. Where were you planning on staying tonight?”

He smiled and bit his lip, shrugging. “Here.”

“And by here, I hope you mean Duncan’s room?”

Logan's hopeful expression turned petulant. It would be comical, if this was next week and enough time had passed to make it funny. But this was now and if she went home early, she’d either have to lie about why she left or tell her dad the truth and both options were utterly devoid of yuks.

“Dude. I won't do anything. Scout’s honor.” Logan put up two fingers. Then three. Then back to two. He looked at them, waved to himself, before turning back to her, puffing out a burst of air, lower lip pouting. "Come on. _Please?_ Over the shirt only.”

Veronica’s mouth dropped open. At her reaction, he bit the side of his thumb, smiling behind it, like a naughty little boy.

“No? Fine. We’ll wait until you’re asleep.”

Veronica slumped back against the wall. “I’m dreaming right now and this is my nightmare.”

Logan bopped her on the nose with his finger. “Aaaw, Ronnie, don’t be mad. I was just kidding.”

“Stop calling me that, you know I hate it. Okay. Celeste went out somewhere and Miri left, I don’t know where Mr. Kane is…”

“He’s working. Probably won’t be home tonight. Celeste doesn’t care or notice what we do, she only tracks D.K. Besides, I have a feeling she’ll be climbing into her golden sarcophagus early tonight.”

“And why would you think that?”

He looked at the ground, and made a circle with his foot on the carpet. “I don’t know. Lilly said she was probably tired from that thing she went to last night. Some auction she organized for education or horses or something.”

Veronica let go of some of her previous panic. She breathed out slowly. "So the coast is clear. For now. Good. Go make coffee. Can you even do that? Without hurting yourself?”

Logan rolled his eyes. “Ummm. Hate to break it to you but coffee doesn't do anyth-”

“The coffee is for me, Logan. I'm going to need it if I have to babysit you two.”

He grabbed her and spun her around. “You’re the best, Veronica Mars.”

Logan leaned forward, puckering his lips, aiming for the top of her head. Veronica pushed him back, shaking her head vehemently.

“Stop. Please. Not with…” She circled her face with her finger.

“Oh, I forgot.” He giggled. “It tingles. Is it supposed to?”

“Go! Coffee. Now.”

“Sir, yes, sir!” He scampered off, whistling… something. Whatever it was, it managed to be both exuberant and tuneless.

She went back to the den and found Lilly sitting on the couch, swaying to “Without You”, now playing on the den’s sound system. Veronica sat next to her, with a loud oomph.

“Okay, Lilly. What is Logan doing here exactly? I thought you two were broken up.”

Lilly had the decency to look sheepish, lifting her hand up in a palms up gesture. “Umm. Not anymore?”

“This is the third time you've broken up and gotten back together since you got back from Europe. _The third time_.”

“I know, I know. But he’s so good in bed.”

“Oh, Lilly.”

“I do love him. I do. When he isn't acting like the biggest girl in the world, he’s kind of adorable. 

“Well, he certainly seems over the moon about it and I bet it's probably only 10 percent drugs.”

Veronica took her hand and Lilly smiled sweetly. 

“The sex is SO GOOD, Veronica.”

“Yes, I got that.”

“I love his penis.”

“Oh boy... ”

“It's got this c- ”

“Ooookay.” Veronica made a car-screeching-to-a-stop sound effect. “We talked about this. No more details.”

Over the last year, Veronica had developed a sort of immunity to Lilly's frank talk of sex. She was still inwardly mortified though every time she got an earful about what went on with Logan. There were just some things you shouldn't know about your guy friends.

Lilly sighed grandly. “I know it won’t last. I've got a lot of livin’ to do. I mean, look at me! How can I deny other boys from having a shot at this fabulousness?”

“I know. You’re a real humanitarian, Lilly Kane.” Veronica smirked.

“That’s right. I can’t limit myself. But… right now? Right now, it’s perfect.”

“Duly noted.”

Lilly shimmied over to her and put her head on her shoulder.

“Oh, and seriously, Lil, _magic mushrooms_?”

Lilly nodded. Veronica stared up at the ceiling. “So what's it like?”

“Colors brighter. Music... better. Time, both fast and slow. Orgasms. Incredible. I want to feel everything.”

Veronica shivered.

“Do you want to try?” Lilly twisted her head up from her spot on Veronica's shoulder, the green in her big blue eyes even greener from this vantage point.

“Noooooo. Thanks. I think the secondhand experience will do just fine.”

“I’m sorry about letting Logan crash our sleepover. I wanted to hang out with you both.”

“I'm sure I can take Logan in a fight for your affections.”

Lilly smiled and clapped her hands together. “Yay! Can I give you a facial now?”

Veronica nodded and took her hand. “Go ahead, make me look ridiculous in the name of beauty.”

Lilly jumped up on her feet, her grin cracking the clay.

“You’re still sleeping over, right? Pretty please with cream cheese?”

“Yes. But I’m not sleeping in the same room as you two. Logan stays in Duncan’s room. Period.”

“DOUBLE YAY! Let’s do mani pedis. I found the coolest design online.”

 

* * *

 

Half an hour later and she was sitting on the floor in front of Lilly letting her put gunk on her face. It smelled like the artificial ocean-scented spray Inga used in the waiting area at the station to get rid of the smell of cigarettes and worry, or "vorry" as they liked to imitate at home. The clay went on cold and hardened immediately, making her skin feel taut, trapped. Much like her toes, which had cotton balls wedged between them. Lilly had wanted to draw a beach scene on her toenails but had gotten bored and abandoned the design halfway, leaving her with a small sun and some tan and blue lines, an unfinished depiction of sand and sea. Lilly had forgotten to do her fingernails. Veronica would have to do them later, something simple, clear or pink.

Lilly had washed off her own clay mask and put on a formal gown. Miraculously, none of it had gotten on her dress so far which hadn't stopped Veronica from having small heart attacks every time she saw the clay threatening to drip off of the brush. Logan had also cleaned up, but was looking much more casual in board shorts and a long sleeved shirt with another t-shirt on top of it. He sat behind Lilly, rubbing her back and occasionally kissing the nape of her neck. Veronica decided there was no point in fighting the insanity. Once you got past the touchy feelyness and near constant declarations of affection directed towards her as well as each other, you almost forgot that they were tripping. Almost.

“Logan. If you were auditioning for American Idol, what would you audition with?” Lilly asked.

“Easy. ‘Screwdriver’ by The White Stripes.” Logan replied.

She turned around and shot him a look.

"What?" he said, raising his eyebrows.

“That’s so dumb. You think Paula knows what that is?”

“But I like it.”

“No, take it seriously, it has to be something the judges recognize.”

“Fine, Lilly, I will treat your hypothetical situation with the complete seriousness which you apparently demand.” He paused. “Frank Sinatra’s ‘My Way’... in the style of Sid Vicious.”

“UGH. I give up. Veronica. What would you audition with?”

“I’ll Stand By You. The Pretenders.”

“Oooh, power ballad, I like. Good choice.”

Logan popped out from behind Lilly’s back and intoned in a better-than-it-has-any-right-to-be Simon Cowell accent. “Go ahead, darling. Let’s hear it.”

“What will you give me if I do?”

“Fame, fortune and everything that goes with it?”

Veronica mulled it over, tapping her chin contemplatively.

“And a milkshake,” Lilly added.

“Now you've got yourself a deal.”

Veronica got up and, careful to avoid her drying toe nails, walked slowly on her heels to the corner of the room. She cleared her throat.

“Hello. My name is Veronica Mars from Neptune, California and I am your next American Idol.”

Despite the strength of her singing voice, Veronica had only just gotten to the chorus when Logan raised his hand. She stopped.

“I’m sorry. I don’t think that was your best performance. I don’t.”

Lilly elbowed him. “Simon!”

“BUT you look great, and I think that might be enough to push you through to next week.”

Logan poked Lilly. Lilly flipped her hair over her shoulder, smiled goofily and leaned forward, speaking into an invisible mic. “Honey, that was beautiful. Don’t listen to Simon. I really felt your emotions, it’s like a gorgeous dance, a grand jete and uhmm, rond de jambe and... has anyone seen my drink?”

“ _I_ thought it was really pretty.”

The three of them looked over at Duncan standing in the doorway, looking sweaty. Veronica twisted her head too fast. She winced in pain.

“Sweet! Have a seat, dude. You can be our Randy.”

“Umm, what?” Duncan looked blankly at Logan.

“He’s a judge on American Idol. It’s easy. Just say ‘dawg’ a lot.”

“Oh. I don’t watch it.”

“Ugh, Donut. Must you be such a drag?” Lilly flung herself backwards in another full body sigh.

“Don’t listen to her, buddy. You’re doing the right thing. That show kills brain cells.” Logan skipped over to him and gave him a complicated hand greeting. Judging from Duncan’s befuddled reaction, he was new to it.

“Ooookay... I have to go shower before my tutor shows up. Veronica, that was awesome. You have a great voice. I like the blue, too. It’s a good color on you." He gave her one of his cute little down turned smiles, and walked away, wiping his face with a towel.

Veronica nodded. She’d forgotten that she had the face mask on. The weight of it seemed heavier. She inched backwards towards the bathroom off of the den and walked in, locking the door with a slow snap of her wrist. She leaned against the sink and concentrated on breathing. She pulled the cotton from between her toes, one at a time, slowly. A couple minutes passed, then five. Someone knocked on the door.

“Veronica. You okay?”

“Yeah,” she croaked out, wincing at the sound of it. She sounded about as okay as an earthquake. She turned on the hot water and wet a hand towel with it, wiping furiously at her face. The knocking became more insistent and just past the door she heard the low give and take of Lilly and Logan’s voices. Veronica turned the lock and went back to cleaning up her face. Lilly walked in.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“You sounded awesome. Logan gets all method when we play AI, he’s really sorry.”

“It’s fine. It was funny.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

What do you say? _I’m in love with a boy and he’s not into me and my face is all blue and disgusting and why, Life, why?_ Nope. So she said nothing at all. She looked at Lilly in the mirror’s reflection and Lilly was too distracted by the sequins on her gown to notice that she was being observed. She swayed back and forth looking at the sparkle. Veronica laughed and it was a relief. She was being overdramatic, she just needed to chill out. Lilly looked up.

“I know. I’m going to do your make-up and you’re going to look great.”

“Please, Lilly. Don’t. No offense but I don’t want to look like psychedelic Skipper.”

“I’m going to dress you up in a bikini. You have tight little bod, Veronica and you need to rock it.”

“It’s too cold to swim.”

“Our pool is heated, Dorkus. Besides I want to try out the jacuzzi before my fun is done. Okay, I’ll be right back.”

Lilly ran off, Veronica kept cleaning her face. Logan stuck his head in.

“Want another coffee?”

“Ha. No. Anymore coffee and I’m going to become a giant blur of blonde.”

He nodded thoughtfully. Veronica washed the blue off of the towel and wrung it out, probably a little more forcefully than necessary.

“You hungry?” he asked.

Veronica lifted her hands up like a begging dog, hopeful smile on her face. Logan brought two fingers up to his forehead, flicking them towards her.

“Right. What was I thinking? You’re the human Sarlacc.”

Veronica threw the wet hand towel at him. As always, he caught it.

“Want a fritatta?”

“Miri’s gone,” she reminded him.

“So?”

“Wait. Are you _offering_ to cook?”

“Well, yeah. It's just eggs and stuff. You eat everything, right?”

She nodded.

“Good. That makes my job easier.” He slapped the door frame and left.

Veronica looked at herself in the mirror. Objectively speaking, she was pretty enough. Her skin was good, complexion rosy. She was athletic. While she'd gotten a little taller over the past year, she was still the shortest girl in their social circle. She folded her arms in front of herself to push what little she had up and tilted her face to the side, pursing her lips in a pout. She sighed, then laughed. Who was she kidding?

She went up to the main floor. They had three living rooms, each serving a different function. One was a formal living room for guests, another was an enormous open space for entertaining and finally, a smaller room off of the kitchen with a piano which basically belonged to Duncan and Lilly. Even so, the place was immaculate and orderly, beautiful but a little sterile, too many mirrors, hard edges. It made Veronica miss the messy, frayed warmth of her house. She could smell something simmering. Logan worked fast. Lilly appeared silently at her side.

“What?”

She held up a cobalt blue bikini one hand, tags still on, price in the triple digits. The other held her enormous make-up kit.

“No way.” Veronica shook her head, lips pressed tight.

“Yes way. You’ll look crazy hot.”

“No, I won’t. I can’t fill that out. I mean… it’s _yours_.” Veronica looked pointedly at Lilly’s chest.

“Oh. Don’t worry about it. I always buy them small up top, works better for me.” Lilly sniffed the air. “I _know_ that’s not Celeste.”

“Logan’s making frittatas.”

“Oooh. You’re in for a treat. Him and his mom are always making things off of those Food Channel cooking shows.” She lowered her voice conspiratorially. “She doesn’t eat any of it, of course, so she’s always trying to push it on me. God forbid her son’s girlfriend is hotter than her.”

“I like her, she’s really nice.”

“Yeah, if you like drunks.”

Veronica turned her head slowly to look at Lilly.

“What?”

“Not nice, Lilly.”

“Okay, Nice Police.”

Logan waltzed in wearing two oven mitts that he probably didn’t need.

“Who’s the Nice Police? Ronnie?” He leaned in and kissed Lilly’s neck. “Definitely.”

Lilly shoved him away, smoothing down the front of her dress.

“ _Veronica_ , Logan.”

“That’s what I said. Food’s ready, ladies.”

He flung the oven mitts in the air and pulled both girls close. He draped one arm over Veronica and the other around Lilly, ducking down to brush his lips on her cheek. Veronica’s eyes caught Logan slowly swiping his thumb over Lilly’s nipple. This time Veronica couldn’t fight the blush that crept up her face and looked away.

 

* * *

 

Veronica wanted to go find a nice corner and beach herself.

“That was so good. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. If you don’t have cash, know that I also accept payment in goods or services.”

Veronica rolled over onto her stomach and balanced her chin on her fisted hands.

“You want me to mow your lawn? I could probably do that. If it means more eats, I’ll definitely be your gardener. When can I start?”

Logan snorted. “Nah, Letty’s grandson does that for us. My dad can be a real cheapskate when it comes to the help.”

“Letty’s grandson… isn't he in your class, Lil? I think he’s a gangbanger or something.”

“Veronica, please say gangbanger again?” Logan asked.

“Gang… Oh. You.”

She slapped him on the shin, and he laughed.

“Who?” Lilly murmured. She was sitting in front of Logan, her back and head resting against his chest. He nuzzled her ear.

“Letty’s grandson, sweetie,” he said, running his fingers lightly down her neck.

Lilly shrugged and closed her eyes.

“Yeah," Logan continued, pausing to take Lilly's hand in his, and bringing it up to his lips for a kiss. "He’s around every weekend now. That’s not awkward at all. Hello, amigo. Thanks for the spreading the fertilizer. See you by the lockers.”

They heard cabinets slamming in the kitchen. Lilly and Logan shared a look. Lilly stood up slowly as if she was gathering her strength.

“I better go and let her get her scold quota out of the way.”

“I’ll help clean up, Lil.”

“Thanks, V. You really don’t have to.”

Lilly walked off towards the kitchen. Veronica jumped up and grabbed their plates. Logan slid down flat on the floor, lay his arms above his head and closed his eyes.

“I’ll listen from here.”

Veronica tapped him with her foot.

“Come on, Logan. Don’t be a jerk. Help me load the dishwasher at- ”

Logan flipped up on his feet alarmingly fast and leaned in to whisper in her ear. “Come on, princess. Like I’d ever miss a rap session with ole Celeste.” He waggled his eyebrows and jumped from side to side, grinning giddily.

“Stop it. Pretend you’re not on drugs please,” she whispered back.

Logan saluted. Veronica handed him the plates. They walked gingerly to the kitchen. Mrs. Kane was standing by the kitchen island, surveying the mess with the same cool expression she looked at everything with. Lilly stood in front of her with her arms crossed.

“And why are you wearing that?” Mrs. Kane asked in something like a half-hiss, half-whisper.

“I wanted to.”

“Go change.”

“No. It’s mine and I’m wearing it. Besides I’m about to give a piano recital to my friends.”

Mrs. Kane sighed. Veronica could see the muscle in her jaw twitch.

“While it’s nice to know that you are doing something with all of those lessons we needlessly paid for, it’s a mess in here. I hope you realize Mrs. Arroyo won’t be in until Monday. I want to see this cleaned up.”

“We’ll clean up, Mrs. Kane. It’s no problem.”

“Well, thank you, Veronica, but Lilly is aware of what her responsibilities are if she expects to be allowed overnight guests.”

Lilly and Celeste glared at each other. It was at times like this when Veronica really saw the resemblance between them. Both Duncan and Lilly took after their mother in the looks department but only Lilly seemed to be able to summon that cobra cold containment in the eyes.

“Mrs. Kane.”

“Yes, Logan?”

“I made some freshly squeezed orange juice. Would you like a glass?”

“No. Thank you.”

Veronica grabbed Logan’s arm and tilted her head. Was he trying to get caught by acting like a weirdo? Logan put a finger up to his lips and winked at her. _What?_

“I also made coffee.”

Mrs. Kane turned around and looked at him oddly for a moment, then sighed.

“Thank you, I’ll take the coffee.”

“My pleasure. You like it black, right, Mrs. Kane?”

Mrs. Kane nodded absentmindedly as her Blackberry vibrated in her hand. She looked down at it, hissed out a breath and shoved it back in her purse.

While Logan served Mrs. Kane a cup of coffee, her and Lilly walked over to the corner of the kitchen, whispering heatedly at each other. Veronica heard a few words, _Duncan_ , _serious_ , _respect_. Eventually, they backed away from each other in the same ramrod straight-backed way. Logan handed Mrs. Kane the coffee. She sipped it, leaving a coral colored lipstick print on the rim.

“Don’t forget that your brother is studying. Try to keep the racket down.”

“Yes, mother. I won’t forget our pwecious wittle Donut.”

Mrs. Kane ignored her, nodding curtly at Logan and Veronica as she exited. They stood there quietly for a minute until Lilly’s voice, containing none of its girlish music, cut through the quiet.

“I hate her.”

They followed Lilly back to the living room. She went over to the piano, her gown trailing behind her. She kneeled on the stool and played with one finger at first, then swung her legs around, straightened her posture and put herself into it. Veronica sat down on the floor. She recognized the melody but not enough to name it. Lilly started singing and Veronica laughed, covering her mouth in surprise. “Edelweiss” from the Sound of Music, a slow, melancholy interpretation. It sounded so sad, so wistful, it made her miss things that hadn't happened yet.

Veronica looked at Logan, who was smiling at Lilly with sweet appreciation. He turned his head then as if sensing Veronica's stare and motioned her to come sit by him. She kneed her way over and settled, crossing her legs. They sat, side by side, like kids listening to a story. Lilly’s voice rang clarion clear, with a slight trill at the end of the notes. Her “Glinda” as Logan called it. Lilly had taken voice lessons for a while, but like the ballet and the piano and the horseback riding it hadn't really stuck. Which was too bad because Veronica loved hearing Lilly sing. She was _herself_ when she sang, the person Veronica saw when they were alone. Strong, bold but also sensitive, artistic, _young_ , her actual age, not the fifteen going on twenty-eight Lilly was always aiming for and mostly attaining.

Logan squeezed Veronica’s hand. He gazed at Lilly with those large, limpid eyes he reserved only for her. The adoration in his face probably wasn't too far removed from Veronica's. They should start a club. The Lovers of Lilly Kane Club. If Lilly were to be believed, it would have a vast, growing membership. Poor Logan. He didn't know that Lilly had already put a countdown clock on their relationship. But who was to say he hadn't done the same? If looks were anything to go by, it didn't seem like that could ever be possible. But what did Veronica know? Did _she_ have a sell-by date? Friendship is friendship but maybe that would change. Lilly would graduate, move away, move on. Veronica shook her head no. That would never happen. Never, ever. They would change together. Lilly sang the final “forever” softly and kitten-walked her fingers to the base note. Veronica burst into applause. Logan adopted a disaffected tone.

“It sounded a bit like karaoke, if I’m being honest.”

Lilly screeched and threw herself at Logan in a blur of chiffon. He kissed her face over and over again, murmuring “So beautiful”. She pushed him away playfully and crawled over to Veronica.

“Veronica Mars. Are you okay?”

“Yes. That was beautiful, Lilly. Truly. That song will never make me think of Nazis ever again.”

Lilly aaawed and pulled her into a hug. She wasn't usually so physically affectionate but Veronica went with it, resting her head on Lilly’s shoulder. Logan flared his eyes at Veronica from his spot on the floor, mouthing _kiss her_ silently. She stifled a laugh in Lilly’s hair.

“Okay, ladies. Let me add to the romantic mood with a taste of _my_ musical stylings.”

Logan jumped up and slid over to the piano, He executed a series of elaborate arm stretches, cracked his knuckles, twisted his torso, then ran his hands hard across the keys, loudly and obnoxiously, bashing away in dissonant bursts. Lilly covered her ears.

“You’re hurting my piano. Get away from it!”

He backed away, Lilly sat down, flinging her Veronica Lake-like hair over her shoulder. “And now another selection from the Sound of Music. I’m teaching myself. Because I'm fantastic.”

She began singing and playing “The Lonely Goatherd” in a plummy Julie Andrews-esque accent. Logan whooped, grabbed Veronica’s hand, and spun her energetically around the room in a free-form waltz. Veronica felt like a ragdoll, all limbs, no bones, but also exhilarated, joyous. She joined in on the yodeling and so did Logan and it didn’t matter that it was all a bit of a breathless, tone deaf mess, it was _fun_. When the song was over, Veronica was somehow sitting on one of Logan’s shoulders like they were figure skaters and Lilly was segueing into a classical piece Veronica didn’t recognize. Her fingers didn’t hit everything correctly but her smile as she played was lovely, broad and unselfconscious. Logan put Veronica down gently, laughing at her attempt at a classic skaters dismount.

“Do you even know how to skate?” he whispered.

“No. Do _you_?” she whispered back.

“Sure. I was a child skating champion.”

“Really? WOW. That is so cool!”

Logan burst out laughing. Veronica shoved him, embarrassed at being so predictably gullible. “One day I’m gonna get you back so hard, Logan Echolls!”

“Stop it, you two. I am attempting Mozart. All attention should be on me.”

“Oh my god, Lilly. We forgot about your mom.” Veronica covered her mouth with her hand, dropping her voice. “We were so loud. She’s going to be furious.”

Logan plopped himself down next to Lilly on the piano bench.

“What do you think?” He ran his fingers down her bare arm.

“She’s on a liquid diet so she’s probably already out.”

“Perfect.” Logan leaned in and kissed Lilly on the nose.

“What are you guys talking about?”

They turned to look at her, then at each other. Lilly shook her head slightly and Logan shrugged. Lilly turned around and stepped over the piano bench, the gathered skirt of her dress making a soft rustle. She floated over to Veronica and put her arm around her shoulder.

“Mommie Dearest shouldn't be bothering us for the rest of the night. She’s on a beauty sleep kick and she snoozes like the dead. Now, come on. Let’s go work on your make-up.”

 

* * *

 

“I don’t know, Lilly, this is a lot of eyeshadow.”

“Your eyes are gorg, Veronica. I’m just making them pop. You look like a smokin’ babe.”

“Yipee?”

Veronica wrapped her arms around herself, feeling a little exposed in Lilly’s bikini **—** now hers, according to her host. At least this was a small enough (wince) gift that her dad wouldn't give her a hard time about it, unlike the bike, the iPod, the laptop, etc… etc… Lilly was generous to a fault.

“Hair down for sure. Here’s a barrette.”

Veronica secured some hair off of her face, leaving the rest down. Lilly walked around her, assessing her. “Okay, let’s test out the look on Logan.”

“Oh Lilly, let’s not. Give me a t-shirt or something.”

“No way. Own your hotness. Come on. I’ll put on a bikini also.”

When they went back to the den, Logan was playing video games. He looked up, saw Lilly and wolf whistled, rakish smile in place. “Hi, sexy.”

“Not me, doofus. What do you think of Veronica Mars?” Lilly held out her arms like Vanna White.

Logan glanced over at her and looked away immediately, not back at the screen, but the floor. When he looked back up, his expression was almost bored. He nodded once and went back to his game.

“Gee, thanks, Logan. See, he didn’t even say anything.”

“Actually,” Lilly went over to Logan and rubbed his back. “I can translate dumb boy language. He thinks you look great. Right, Logan?”

He glanced over at Veronica again, this time his eyes traveled down her legs and back up. “Yeah. Sure.”

Lilly slapped him on the head, muttering “Why do I even keep you?” He barely registered it, and kept playing his game.

“Now Veronica, can you do me a favor and find Donut and tell him we need him to stop being the most boring human being in the world? He should be upstairs.”

“Can I borrow a t-shirt, Lilly? I don’t know what you did with my dress and I really don’t want to wander around your house half-naked.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Lilly, stop bullying her. Here.” Logan took off the t-shirt on top of his long sleeved shirt and threw it at her.

“Thanks, Logan.”

He lifted his hand in response. She pulled it over herself. It went down slightly above her knee.

Lilly huffed. “Useless, both of you. Now go find Duncan. Bring him back. Try the study on the second floor.”

Veronica had never been in the upstairs study and wasn't exactly sure where it was. She passed Duncan’s room but there was no one there. She darted into Lilly’s room to look for her bag, but didn’t see it anywhere. She grabbed a pair of shorts from Lilly’s dresser and slipped them on.

She wandered down an unlit hall and pushed her way into a darkened room that was lined with books and felt along the wall for a light switch. She turned it on and after her eyes adjusted to the brightness, gasped at the sight of Mrs. Kane on a chaise lounge, her hands resting on the pearls around her neck. A tartan blanket covering her up to her shoulders. Her eyes were slightly open like two shiny, almond slivers.

“Oh. I’m so sorry. I didn’t-”

Mrs. Kane let out a loud snore and Veronica jumped back, covering her mouth. In a million years, she never would've considered that Celeste could be a snorer. Or the kind of person that slept with her eyes open. Actually the last one she could believe. She turned the lights off and backed out of the room slowly, closing the door with a dull snick.

She opened a few more doors and found nothing, other than a guest bedroom and a sunroom she never knew existed. No bowling alley, no dungeon, no Duncan.

“Duncan, Duncan. Where did you go?” she thought. “Oh well. He probably went out with friends.”

She padded softly back to the main floor, then down to the den. The lights were dimmer than before and the music was off. That should have clued her in. Veronica squinted, catching movement on the couch from the corner of her eye and turned to look. Lilly and Logan, kissing feverishly, their bodies pressed tightly against one another’s, moving back and forth like tug of war. Her top was still tied around her neck but mostly pushed up, exposing the sides of her breasts. Logan’s hand slid slowly up her thigh and stopped at her hip where he flicked at the bow tied there. He pushed her back to look her in the eye and undid it with a rough tug. Lilly grabbed him by his necklace, the one she’d given him for his birthday, pulled him closer and whispered “Fuck me.” Veronica woke up with that, a jolt of nerves pushing her body to move, glide noiselessly away, away, away, before they caught her there, before she saw anything else.

She raced through the house and out into the yard, on nervous, wobbly legs, making a beeline for the pool. She could sit there and wait things out. The cool air would clear her head.

“Veronica. Hi.”

Duncan was sitting there with his feet in the water, steam rising from beneath him.

“Duncan. You look like you’re in a music video.”

He struck a pose, chin on fist and one finger pointing at her. She grinned.

“Yes, just like that.”

Veronica walked over and sat down next to him. She put her feet into the water. It was warm, warmer than she’d expected, just right.

“Logan has the same shirt.”

“Yeah. It’s his shirt. Lilly gave me a bikini makeover. It is my belief that I am not bikini ready, however. Hence the cover-up.”

He chuckled. “Did they finally frighten you away?”

“How did you know? Can you see the terror in my eyes?”

“Yeah. I can recognize it. I see that same shell-shocked look in the mirror sometimes.”

“How did things go with your tutor?”

“Okay. I think it will help. I’m not doing that badly, really. I guess… I want to expand my extracurriculars but I also don’t want my grades to suffer. It’s a preemptive measure. Dorky, huh?”

“No. Smart.”

Duncan smiled. “The guy’s really nice. He’s a Computer Science student at Hearst. He interviewed my dad for their school paper and my dad was really impressed with him.” He paused and looked up at the sky. “My parents… aren't forcing me to see him. I mean, they appreciate my initiative and support me in any way they can. I just know I can always do better. It’s for me, no matter what Lilly says or thinks.”

“I know. I think she knows that too.”

He nodded. “So what were Lilly and Logan doing? I’ve barely seen them since Logan showed up this morning.”

“Well, ‘shrooms, for one,” then, in her best perky voice, “don’t worry, they saved us some.”

“Wow, they really know us, don’t they?”

“Yeah, they were in matching robes when I got here, giving each other back rubs and playing kissy face.”

Duncan raised an eyebrow. “And now they’re…”

“Doing more than that? I think? I didn’t look too closely.”

“Ah.”

“I don’t know what’s more disturbing. The pretend spa they had going on earlier or the recent implication of nudity.”

“It’s a hard call.”

She laughed and he looked at her blankly for a moment before blushing. “I did _not_ mean it that way.”

“I know. I’m ruined. Those two have trained me to hear innuendo in everything.”

“You could never be ruined.”

Her face grew hot. She looked towards the house. “Sorry, it must be extra weird for you. Your best friend dating your sister. Them being the way they are.”

“There is an element of awful. Then I remember how much they used to fight.”

“They still fight all the time.”

“Right. But now they love each other.”

“Huh. You think?"

“Yeah.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“You don’t see it?”

She thought of Logan's face watching Lilly play the piano earlier and of Lilly and her boundless need to experience more. She sighed. “Sure.”

Veronica looked up at the sky, which was that beautiful, deep twilight blue that comes right after sunset. She fixed her gaze on the brightest star.

“That’s Mars,” Duncan said.

“What?”

Duncan pointed up. “The planet. _Your_ planet.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. You know, umm… I’ve got a great telescope upstairs. We should look at it.”

“I’d like that. A lot, actually.”

They smiled at each other.

“Veronica.”

“Yeah, Duncan?”

“You look really nice.”

“Thanks. Lilly said this was called a smoky eye. I think it’s a little too much for me to pull off on an everyday basis.”

“No. I mean, not just now. All the time. You always look beautiful.”

“Okay, if your goal is to make me blush then congrats. Mission accomplished."

“You’re perfect.”

“Ha. Thanks?”

“Would you like to go on a date with me sometime?”

“Oh, this isn't one?” she said, breezily. Veronica moved her feet in the water slowly and fought the urge to jump in. The guys loved to play practical jokes with her and this was one she didn’t think she’d be laughing at. She looked back at Duncan and his expression was serious, almost worried.

“Are you seriously asking me? _You_ want to go on a date? With me.”

“Yes.” he said, blinking furiously.

Veronica laughed, leaning over to scoop some water with her hand, and splashing it on him. Duncan frowned in confusion and it was so cute, she threw her arms around him impulsively, thinking now now now now now, and pressed her lips to his. They were smooth and a little sticky from chapstick, not cherry, but plain. She kept her mouth against his mouth until she felt his lips pull back into a smile. She opened her eyes and his teeth, the bright blue of his irises, the darkness of his eyelashes, were so close it made her dizzy. She pulled back and giggled. He smiled idiotically at her. He took her hand. She laughed again, she couldn't help it.

“You can laugh at me all you want as long as that keeps happening.”

She leaned in and kissed him again, softer. This time, he kissed her back. It was tentative and she could feel him trembling a little. They stopped kissing and Veronica looked down at his hand, fingers spread wide against the cement, then back up to his face.

“Hi.” he said, grinning widely, his cheeks visibly pink even in the failing light.

“Hi.”

“That was better than I could’ve imagined,” Duncan whispered, awestruck.

“Oh, you've been imagining?”

“Are you kidding? Like, forever. You knew that.” 

“Ummm, no. You never talked to me.” Veronica poked him accusingly.

“I didn’t talk to you because I was worried I was going to make a fool of myself.”

“Duncan Kane. As if you'd ever.”

This time he took the lead, leaning in and kissing her, deeper, open mouth to open mouth. It tasted a little like oranges and felt like a combination of people yelling surprise! at a party and the quiet happy after. They stopped and she didn’t know where to rest her eyes. She wanted to look at his everything. Ooh, dimples.

“What about you?”

“Oh, meh, you know.” Veronica shrugged broadly.

“Ha. Really?"

“Yeah, I never thought you were gorgeous or anything like that. Or smart. Kind. Gentlemanly. None of those things."

“I see," he said slowly with mock-solemnity.

“But you’ll do."

He intertwined his fingers with her and they both paddled their feet softly in the water. The lights came on in the pool and she gasped a little, kicked harder, watching the white rings of the water shadows undulate on the sides of the pool. Everything was perfect.

Veronica looked at Duncan shyly. "So where are we going? On our magical date?”

“Movie?”

“Acceptable. Will there be popcorn?”

“Of course.”

“I don’t share and I will eat yours.”

Duncan nodded thoughtfully. "Okay. That makes sense.”

“Dinner beforehand?”

“Goes without saying. Lady’s choice.”

“Excellent. Come here.”

She kissed him, again and again, he was warm and smelled delicious. Something clean and tweedy. She couldn't believe this was finally happening. She kissed his ear, his cheek, his nose. She was trying so hard to remember it all, savor each detail, record it somehow so she could go over it later but it was all happening too quickly. She bit his lower lip.

“Ouch.”

“Oh my god. I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I don’t think you broke the skin or anything.”

“Here. Let me try that again."

Veronica put her lips to his as gently as she could, daringly running her tongue lightly over the spot she’d bitten just like Cosmo instructed, a long time ago. He made an odd sound in the back of his throat. Then, from the direction of the shrubbery, laughter and applause.

“OH MY GOD. FINALLY.”

“Nice work, guys. Only took you a couple of years.”

“LOGAN, I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS. HELP ME UP.”

Logan and Lilly came stumbling out of the hedges, snickering. Lilly limping and Logan laughing and pulling leaves out of her hair. Veronica tried to hide in Duncan’s armpit, Duncan put his arm around her. Her mortification was complete.

“I can’t believe you guys. Were you spying on us?”

Lilly shook her legs out. Logan jumped up and down. 

“We had to. We had money riding on this.”

“Logan owed me $100, he didn’t think it would happen today. And I won! But then I lost it on double or nothing, I was sure Donut would kiss you first considering how hot you look but Logan insisted it would be you making the first move.”

Logan gave her a big thumbs up. “Thank you, Mars.”

He kneeled down next to her and made like he was going to kiss her on the cheek, and forcefully shoved Duncan into the pool instead. Duncan managed to grab his shoulder on the way and they both fell in, continuing to wrestle in the water.

Lilly settled next to her, giggling.

“Lilly. How long had you guys been out here?”

“Long enough to catch the important moments.” Lilly grinned and raised an eyebrow at her. “Veronica Mars, you are a minx.” She whispered behind her hand, “You totally gave Donut a boner.”

Veronica covered her face with her hands. “Yeah. This is weird.”

“No, this is awesome. We are going to have so much fun. Double date fun! Think of it! I’m so excited!”

Lilly hugged her, Veronica closed her eyes, hugging her back fiercely. Enjoy it, enjoy it. This year, next year, the year after that. No matter what.

“Lilly.”

“Yes.”

“I love you.”

“Of course you do, Veronica. I’m amazing.”

“And Lilly?”

“Yeah?”

“This.”

Veronica pushed Lilly into the pool.

 

 

 

 


	3. October 2003, Logan and Veronica

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> October 2003. It's the Monday after. Veronica copes quietly, Logan does not.

III.

Her mother looked beautiful, like before, with that wide smile of hers, and those apple pink cheeks that her dad used to coo over. Veronica would always pretend to gag when he did that, but secretly she loved it, because… love. Just love. Her mom. Her dad. In love.

He wasn’t there though. It was just her and her mom. Walking down the street and holding hands. But her hand was tiny. Veronica caught her reflection in a mirrored window and she couldn’t have been more than six or seven. Her hair was in pigtails and she was wearing her favorite jacket from back then, a brown corduroy with pink piping, a V in cursive hidden on the sleeve. She remembered asking her dad if they could stitch it where everybody could see it instead, either on her front pocket, or her peter pan collar. He’d smiled and said, “But then it wouldn't be a secret anymore, kiddo.” She understood because she loved secrets.

At the bottom of a hill, the concrete spreading out before them in a series of gentle rises, her mother kneeled down so that their eyes were level. She put both of her hands up to Veronica’s face and said, “Where do you want to go now?” Veronica didn't know so she hugged her instead. They swayed together for a bit, bits of her mother’s hair and coat in her mouth, her lilac perfume strong in her nostrils. Her mom stood up, took her hand and they walked towards the sunset, just on ahead, the flickering hot red pink orange shimmer, lowering itself behind the sidewalk. She was seeing herself now, not as herself, but outside of it, behind the visual. It was as if the little girl and her mom were now characters in a movie, and like a movie, the credits started rolling over their images. Only they weren't credits, they were lines, horizontal lines, cutting across the glare and the two figures walking further and further away. They stopped, their silhouettes in freeze frame, flickering against her eyelids until the light overtook them.

Veronica opened her eyes and the sun was shrieking through the blinds. She covered her face with her forearm and sat up slowly. She looked at the clock. Why was it so bright? 10 o’clock. She was late for school. Go-to-the-principal’s-office late. She sat up in a panic, wiping her face and looking around wildly. Then she remembered, the way she always remembered the past few days. Every time she woke up. Not right away but five or ten minutes into it, after the blinking, after the yawning. It hit her again like a bucket of ice, from the top of her head to her toes, and she opened her mouth but no sound exited, the rawness in the back of her throat the only sign that she ever used it. She dug her nails into her palms. That was quiet.

The phone rang and she picked it up too fast. A part of her still thought it might all be a lie, another one of Logan and Lilly's pranks, but no. It was too cruel and they would never be that cruel. Please be you, please, please say it’s a joke.

“Hello?”

“Hi, honey. You told me to call you. Make sure you were up.”

“Right.”

“How are you doing?”

Instinctively, she put a smile in her voice. “Well… I just woke up.”

She lifted her hands up, then put them down, stupidly. He was silent as if he’d seen the gesture and was considering it.

“Veronica. Listen to me. Daddy’s working hard over here and we’re going to catch the guy who did this. Okay?”

“Yes.”

“We are putting all of resources into this, okay? I don’t care who’s behind it, we will get justice.”

“I know.”

“Is your mom up?”

Veronica looked towards the hallway. The house was quiet, too quiet, airless. As if the windows had been shut for years.

“I’m not sure… I don’t think so.”

“Okay, well. If she’s not… around later, call me and I’ll find a way to come home for lunch, okay? We’ll go out for something. It’s not good for you to say inside.”

“I could come to you?”

Part of her needed to go to the station and see what was happening. Somehow the thought of all that activity, geared towards righting things, made breathing easier. She knew that the prominent citizens of Neptune were coming down hard on her dad. The calls never stopped, not even after he got home at night, falling asleep at the dining room table with his hat still on top of his head. But her father was smart, diligent, tenacious. He would get his man.  
  
He cleared his throat, interrupting her thoughts. “No, Veronica. I think you should stay away from the station for now.” He paused for a moment, as if deliberating. “Have you spoken to Duncan?”

“No.” She tried not to let him hear the catch in her voice, but she wasn't sure she succeeded.

“What about Logan?”

“No. But Mrs. Echolls called. She… just wanted to give me her condolences.”

They were both quiet. Someone started talking to her father and he muffled the phone with his hand. When he came back, his voice had a slight edge to it.

“Sweetheart. I have to go. Call me later, okay. Leave a message with Inga, she’ll get it to me.”

“Right… Daddy?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m okay. Don’t worry about me. I’m okay. Really.”

“I know. Call me.”

He hung up. She kept the phone up to her ear until she heard the dial tone and then she put the receiver back in its cradle. She forgot to ask him about the service. They couldn't have one without a body. It was still in a freezer. It was evidence. Lilly Kane was evidence. Veronica knew she was being crazy but she wanted to bring her some clothes. Something to keep her warm.

It had only been four days.

Friday.

Saturday.

Sunday.

Monday.

No school. Not for her, anyway. She was expected at counseling tomorrow morning. She told her dad that she’d go. Of course, the last thing she wanted to do was talk about it. She’d seen her friend dead. The worst part wasn't the blood, or her open eyes. It was the fact that her body was empty. She could tell just by looking at it, the unnatural angle of her arm, the wide open blankness of her eyes. Lilly wasn't there anymore. She was gone. Talking about it wasn't going to change anything. At the end of the hour, she’d still be dead.

They were supposed to have gone out on Saturday. They were going to the movies or maybe the roller rink because Lilly liked to wear short shorts semi-ironically. They hadn't decided anything, the new Jack Black maybe? It hadn't seemed important. What was the last thing they talked about before she went home? Make-up. Something about Wet 'n' Wild lipstick colors being better than some fancy brand. Except for Chanel, because nothing topped Chanel. A silly conversation, unmeaningful, chit chat with the best friend you were definitely going to see the next day. There was no goodbye to it at all.

Veronica went over to her bedside table, opened the drawer and felt around, fingernails clicking on the wood. Her hand closed around a lipstick tube. She pulled it out, black, Chanel, #61, Rose de Glace. Lilly had left it the last time she’d been over, about a week before. Veronica opened up the top and brought it to her nose. She breathed in the smell of it. She put it on without thinking or looking into a mirror, it didn't matter if it was within the lines, there was no one to see. She bit through it, tasting its perfume. That’s probably why Lilly loved it, she liked how it tasted. Lilly was always biting her lips. Veronica wanted to tell her, call her up, say, _ha_. She even reached for her phone. Thought about pretending and leaving a message. She closed her hand around the lipstick, wrapped it in a tight fist, and got back into bed, pulling the covers over her head with her free hand, feeling the air entering her lungs thicken and coarsen, like frozen branches on a tree.

 

* * *

 

She called her dad around noon and lied, told him her mom was up. She wasn't, she was sleeping, but she didn't want to distract him from the investigation. She had to let him do his job, let the law handle everything.

Veronica called Logan and got his voicemail.

_“You've reached Logan, and here's today's inspirational message. ‘A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.’ Charles Dickens.”_

She hung up without leaving a message. He’d see that she’d called.

Everybody had called the day before. Even people she never spoke to, like Madison Sinclair. Veronica could practically hear the effort it took for the girl to seem concerned. It almost sounded like she was reading off of cue cards or maybe someone was sitting alongside, coaching her. Veronica tried to keep the tone polite, despite the near transparent prying, but around the fourth or fifth time Madison dropped less than subtle hints about Lilly’s “friendliness” towards boys having something to do with what happened, Veronica put the phone down with a decisive clack. She shocked herself. That wasn’t something she did. That was something Lilly did though, with a loud sigh and an eyeroll. She never cared what people thought. Why should she? She’s Lilly Kane. Was. Was Lilly Kane. She was Lilly.  

Veronica looked at the photo of Lilly she kept by her bed. She’d skinned her knee that day, you could see the band-aid peeking out from her skirt. They’d “borrowed” Logan’s skateboard and took turns wiping out spectacularly in the Kane driveway. Veronica laughed so hard that her stomach hurt the rest of the weekend.

Lilly was dreading retaking the SAT. Lilly wanted to go study on the East Coast as far away from Celeste as possible. Lilly was going to start taking singing lessons again. Lilly was going to switch her meds because she hated breaking out. Lilly was going to Italy again and was she excited.

_“Oh my god, Veronica Mars. You should see the Carabinieri, like 90% of them are soooo hot. Their uniforms were designed by Armani. It’s like male models fighting crime. I’m trying to come up with ways to get frisked and drawing a blank. Any ideas?”_

Well… you could wear shorts in a church? I hear that’s frowned upon. They might not arrest you but maybe they’d escort you out?

Veronica dialed Lilly’s number to tell her, it went straight to voicemail.   
  
_It’s me, darlings. Leave a message._

Lilly wasn't going to do any of those things. Veronica called back five more times, just so she could hear Lilly’s voice.

She thought about calling Duncan. When she thought his name she felt a swell of hope that overrode the hurt and then, an almost immediate guilt in response to that hope. On Friday, he hadn't tried to tear his hand away when she saw him. He’d held it. He was hurting, he was in shock but he didn't leave. By the time she’d come back around, he was gone. Her father said he was too distraught to be questioned. He might have been the last person to see her. He might have been the one that found her. She would talk to him. Today. She’d go over there.

It was easy to sneak around her house. She was so light on her feet, even her father called her a ninja-in-training. She padded into her parents room soundlessly and took the car keys from her mother’s dresser drawer. Her mother was asleep on top of the covers, her peasant blouse riding up exposing some of her back, her arms stretched out on either side of her. This was happening more and more lately, these lost days. Veronica knew from experience that her mom would sleep for another couple of hours, wake up in the late afternoon, walking into the living room as if nothing was wrong.

She went back to her room and took a quick shower. After drying, without thinking, she put on her bikini. It was muscle memory, this was what she did before she went to the Kanes. She didn't bother changing out of it. No one would notice. She slipped her sundress over her head, applied some lip gloss, slid into her shoes and tried to ignore the echo of Lilly’s disapproval in her head.

 

* * *

 

The Kanes had a back entrance which they used for deliveries for their extravagant parties. This was her way in. She stopped by the florist near the cemetery, bought some flowers, and used her mom’s credit card. The saleswoman held her glance when she’d looked at the signature. Veronica made herself go still, cool, and together. She squared her jaw and thought, _go on I dare you_. The woman blinked twice and told her to have a nice day.

Veronica didn't dare exhale until she got back in the car, her bouquet of gloriosa lilies on the seat besides her.

“Lilies, Veronica? When did we get so literal? I hate lilies. I mean, water lilies are okay. Pink, white, serenity now, yoga, cool. But these? This is like, Celeste City.”

She looked up, but her car was empty.

“They’re in season,” she said, to absolutely no one.

She drove over to the Kanes, going past their gates and driving around to the service entrance. The news outlets hadn't figured it out yet, it was cleverly designed to look like the driveway to another house and it was. There was a small guesthouse at the back of the property. They rarely used it. Lilly said her giant dollhouse lived there. She’d loved that thing.

The tires crunched along the gravel and she saw another car, a Mercedes, parked there, at an odd angle, the front of it partly buried in the hedges. She parked carefully and got out, smoothing down the front of her dress. She walked over to the car and peeked in. Logan lay slumped across the steering wheel and once again, fast, she got that cold water feeling. But this time, instead of curling up into herself, she sprang into action.

She frantically pulled on the handle to his car door, his side was locked. Veronica banged on the glass with the flat of her palm. He didn't respond and she couldn't tell if he was breathing. No, no, no, no, no, no. She ran around, the other side was locked. She tried the back door, it was open. She scurried in quick and jumped over to the front seat. All she could hear was the pounding in her ears, and the squeak of her shoes on the leather. The interior of the car reeked of alcohol, sweet and thick, making her gag a little. She put her hand on Logan’s head, it was damp. Oh, thank god. She felt his pulse. It was slow but steady. She slumped forward in relief, and the release of tension brought on awareness. She needed to open the windows, let some air in. Veronica coughed, trying to find the window switch, her fingers spidering around frantically. She couldn't figure it out so she started the car, it purred into life, and she played with the buttons until air started circulating, cool and strong.

Veronica took in a deep breath, she’d been holding it. It felt so good, it made her feel new. Already her mind was working out the details. Get water, make him drink it, call Lilly, call Duncan, bring him inside, have them help, wait it out. But there was no help. She took the bottle of water from her bag, took a sip and poured a little into her palm. She put some on his temples, by the red rash near his hairline, and the nape of his neck, then she tipped him on his side. He had sunglasses on, aviators, and she kept catching herself in them, all hair and wide eyes. Thanks to the top-of-the-line air conditioning, the car chilled in no time. A sudden dizziness, a bone weariness, overwhelmed her, made her shoulders droop. She leaned back in the passenger seat and closed her eyes.

Her thoughts muddled in the wake of all that adrenaline. The world was spinning, the world spun, it would keep moving despite them. Lilly couldn't be gone. It was all a bad dream. She would go to sleep and wake up to how things used to be. She took Logan’s hand in hers, slid her fingers up to his wrist and held on tight. She tried to match his pulse with her breath. He was way under. She would wake him, not now. Soon. Tell him that everything was okay.

 

* * *

 

Veronica woke up with an eyelid flutter to a pounding headache. She felt fingers in her hair, near the back of her skull, and kept her eyes closed. She knew exactly where she was and who with. For a minute or so, she pretended it was Duncan. She wondered if Logan was pretending she was Lilly. She didn't want to look, didn't want to break the spell, but her throat hurt and she coughed. She turned her face and saw him through a curtain of her hair. He pulled his hand away and let it hang in the air, fingers curling. They looked at each other silently for a long time, then Logan opened up the door with a graceless push and fell/jumped out. She watched him walk over to her car and look in, then glance back at her. He spun in a slow circle, the gravel crunching under his heel. He was still drunk. From tequila probably, his weapon of choice when he wanted to go “full blotto”. Logan didn't show it much in his face or his voice, but he got careless with his movements. They went bigger, his body got looser. Once he started giggling and draping himself on whatever surface was around, that’s when they knew he was in trouble. Duncan would take care of moving him, Veronica would help keep him contained and Lilly would yawn and read a magazine. She’d shout out gossip items while Duncan and Veronica took turns peeling Logan off of them, steering him to the bathroom or the bushes.

She didn't want to get out of the car but it was starting to feel airless again. She stepped out and walked over, standing next to him as he stared into her mom’s car, at the flowers, already wilting inside. She handed him her water, he took it without question, downing the rest of it in large gulps.

“Logan. You shouldn't be driving. You could’ve… Someone could’ve gotten hurt. You, for one.”

He threw the empty bottle wide, she heard it clatter over the shrubbery. He walked over to the hedges, his back to her.

“Do you want me to call your mom?”

He shook his head no. He pulled leaves off of the hedge, throwing it over his shoulder.

“Did you see her?”

His voice sounded hard, parched. She realized then that she hadn't spoken to him in over a month and that his voice, even like this, brought a strange sort of relief.

“What do you mean?”

“You were over here that night. Did you see her?”

“Yes.”

He nodded slowly, pulling out whole bunches of leaves, leaving a semicircle of the stuff around his feet. “Did D.K.?”

“I think so. Yes. He must’ve.”

“Did… How did she look?”

The green sleeves of her t-shirt. Shorts. Arms. Head turned. Blood. Eyes open. Gone. She thought it all in the space of a blink but didn’t say a word.

“Tell me.”

“Like she wasn’t there. Still Lilly. But no one home.”

“Was there blood?”

“Yes.”

“A lot of it?”

He clenched and unclenched his fists. She didn't answer.

“I want to put my fist through the car windows.”

“Don’t.”

He turned to her suddenly, his tone tense. “Where did you go? That day. You were together, you were always together, why wasn’t she with you?”

Spittle landed on her top lip, she didn't wipe it away, she couldn't move her hands. He noticed though, his face tilted downwards towards her. He leaned closer and wiped her mouth with a swipe of his thumb. He looked at it, saw the smear of pink and laughed. It was a horrible sound. Like nothing related to laughter at all, something incongruous put in its place. Tinder, tin, tines. Words that start with t. Lilly. She didn't know why Lilly hadn't come over. Why was he asking? Veronica didn't understand the question. She frowned.

“I was going to see her on Saturday.”

He walked backwards a few steps, circled each wrist slowly, then folded his hands in front of him. She could see the blue of the sky in his sunglasses, a single cloud marring the perfection.

“Logan. Are you feeling okay? Do you need me to get you more water?”

“Veronica Mars. So… helpful and perfect. Why are you even here?”

She swallowed thickly. “I came to see Duncan.”

He huffed out a laugh. “Stalk, much? He doesn't want you. When are you going to get it?”

“Logan-”

“Calling him. Leaving him messages. Sending him notes.”

He adopted a shrill voice and batted his eyelashes at her. “Oh Duncan, I miss you. I made you cookies. Can we talk?” Logan leaned forward, whispering next to her ear, his breath hot, sugary and rank, like her mother’s. “ _Cookies_? Really? It would be cute if it wasn't such a fucking joke.”

Veronica's face turned crimson. Logan laughed. It had a jarring pitch to it.

“You think I didn't know? I’m his best friend. _He tells me things_.”

Logan reached down, grabbed some of his discarded greenery and threw it in the air like confetti. It didn't travel well, the leaves didn't flutter or separate. Veronica stared at the leaves, tried to make a pattern of them. Tried to breathe, stay calm. Regain control. This would pass.

He settled next to her, leaning against the hedge, brushing his hands together, unnervingly blank. Veronica didn't say anything. She didn't know what to say. Had Duncan said something to him? What did Logan know?

Veronica looked at him. Logan tilted his head way to the side and rested it on his shoulder, like he was about to crack it. He clicked his tongue and lurched forward, taking two steps then turning to face her head on again.

“So what happened, Ronnie?” He raised his eyebrows. “Why _did_ he stop talking to you? Did you finally give it up and he didn't like it?”

She didn't respond. Logan shrugged and kicked at some loose gravel. 

“No, that can’t be it. Like you’d ever part those dimpled knees.”

He smiled knowingly and bumped his knee to hers.

“What did you do? Huh? Do you even know? It must’ve been bad, if poor, lovelorn Donut is freezing you out.”

The strap to her sundress fell and he reached out for it, taking the fabric between his thumb and pointer finger and pulling it up gently, back over her shoulder. He rubbed the fabric as he spoke, quiet and hushed. If it weren't for the words, it would pass for loving.

“He finally woke up to you, didn't he?”

He shook his head a little, fingers hovering over the strap of her bikini top, from her shoulder to her neck. His lips jerked upwards.

“He- Do you have your bathing suit on?”

She started and he saw it, his mouth dropped open in disbelief. She pushed his hand off of her and he stumbled backwards, on purpose, in an over dramatic display of shock. He covered his mouth with his hand.  
  
“Oh my god, you _do_.”

There was that empty laugh again.

“What did you think, Veronica? That you were gonna show up and we were gonna have a pool party? Donut and I taking turns throwing you into the water? The three of us? Is that a thing now? Is that what we are? Are you the new queen? Of course you are. Little Ronnie Mars, always. Such. A bossy bitch. Couldn't wait to rule.”

He was waiting for her to hit back, she could tell, but she was in shock. This wasn’t him. It was the alcohol talking, it was the grief. She blinked furiously, her mouth hanging open. He was too tall, the sun was in her eyes, she couldn't see his.

“Oh, _now_ she stops talking.”

She looked down at the ground, her feet in her yearly Keds. Her knee length dress skirt. She forced herself to look up. He was smiling at her, sweetly. Almost.

“See, I always thought you were like,” he scratched the back of his head, eyebrows lifting. “...Lilly’s lap dog. Her parents wouldn't let her have pets so she had you instead. If she could’ve gotten a cute purse to carry you around in she would've. Well, look at you now. Takin’ charge. She’d be so proud.”

With each word, he moved closer, crowding her against the hedges. The branches cut into her back, scratching her between the shoulder blades, the sensation somewhere between tickling and pain. She tried to hold her ground but she wavered, held her arm out for support. She was like the reflection of herself in his aviators: much too small, diminished, disproportioned. Logan’s mouth hung open and she stared at his teeth, the slightly crooked canine tooth that the braces never fixed. He ran his tongue in front of it. His voice came out soft, like a caress. He grabbed a strand of her hair and played with it with his fingers as he spoke.

“You must be ecstatic.” His smile flashed, feral. “Duncan should be easy pickings with his bereavement and all. You gonna get him back, Ronnie? Huh? How ya gonna do it? Your way? All cute with the big eyes? Or her way? Yeeeeah. That’s much better. Always worked for me.”

He brought her hair up to his nose. He tickled himself with it, breathing in deeply.

“Mmm. Could you do it? Were you picking up pointers all this time? Hmm? Did you learn everything you needed to know? Did you ever watch us?” Logan waggled his eyebrows. “You _know_ what I mean. You had plenty of opportunities. I bet you did, I _know_ you did. It’s so _you_.”

He tilted his head, still smiling. It was empty. There was no him there.

“Hey.” Logan turned and bit his lip, his voice low and strained. “So. Do I take orders from you now? I _actually_ want to know. ‘Cause I didn't hear the proclamation on account of the grieving.”

Veronica refused to blink. Or answer. Logan hesitated, ran his fingers through his hair, but rallied, came back to her, feather-light.

“Are you the girl I bow down to now? Tell me. Huh? Am I supposed to grovel to you now? Go on, _Ronnie_. Fucking tell me. What am I supposed to do now?”

Logan put his hands on her arms suddenly, scaring her, then immediately brought them back up as if he'd been burned. He stepped away from her then, but bent down for emphasis, his shoulders curved forwards as if he was begging.

“Tell me, what am I supposed to do? Tell me. Fucking tell me. What am I supposed to do?”

As he spoke, his voice kept rising, higher in pitch and volume so that he seemed to get younger with each question. Cracks were forming, his anger splintering into fissures with each repeated _tell me_ , loud and shrill and bit by bit, he broke, fell away. He pitched forward, crumpling to the ground. Veronica backed away involuntarily. She couldn't help him, she just couldn't, she didn't know how. His sobbing and the gravel under her feet and the sun too bright. It was such a beautiful day. Birds were singing. Perfect swimming weather.

Cautiously, she leaned down in front of him. Her ankle twisted and she lost her balance, scratching her knee in the process. She swallowed the sting of it, kept it in. His sunglasses had slipped down and, for a moment, Veronica saw his eyes, bloodshot, lids swollen, wet. She reached out to him and he screamed at her. Just screamed, like the shriek of a child. She fell backwards and got up slowly. He stood up too, mirroring her speed and held his arm out. She mistook it for him reaching for her.

“Logan-”

“NO.”

She didn't know what to do.

He covered his face with his hands. “No. Go away, go away, go away, I can’t look at you, go away, go away…”

She hadn't heard another car in the driveway so she jumped when she felt hands on her shoulder. Veronica looked up to see the tired, downcast eyes of Lilly’s father. He pulled her gently behind him.

“Logan. It’s okay. Come here,” Mr. Kane said, his voice rough. He sounded as if he'd been talking all night.

“Mr. Kane, he’s been drinking. He shouldn't be driving. We need to call his parents. He has… ”

Logan shouted hoarsely “No, no, no, no, don’t,” his voice cracking on the second no. His arms went wild, first he pointed at her, then he threw them over his face, as if he was walking in a storm. His voice lowered to a murmur, “Make her go away, make her go away, make her go away. Please. Make her go away. Make her go away.” Mr. Kane put his arms around him and leaned down to whisper in his ear. Logan nodded, his shoulders shaking. Veronica couldn't move, she just watched.

Mr. Kane turned to look at her and said, “Veronica. I think you should go.”

She nodded and walked away stiffly towards her car. She got in and the seat scalded her legs but she didn't even jump. She drove off, without looking back.

* * *

Veronica was in Duncan’s bed, kissing him, and his hand was between her legs, rubbing roughly. It hurt a little but she bit the inside of her cheek and willed herself to stay with it, examine it, learn from it. _This is going to feel good_ , he told her. Someone’s lips brushed against her ear. She looked behind her and it was Logan. She gasped and tried to pull away but he held her face with his hand, his fingers fanned out across her cheek. He whispered her name against her jaw and she felt the pain turn into pleasure, a pebble dropping in the water, the ripples that radiate.

She woke up with a start, her heart hammering enough to shake her bed. She scooted up to a sitting position, pulled her knees up to her chin, shivering and nauseated. Then she remembered. Like she always remembered. And the ever present knot in her throat hardened. She thought she felt arms around her then, soft and cool, and she turned towards the feel of them, let herself believe that it was real. That it was Lilly, Lilly who never consoled anyone in her life, that she was there, that it was her arms. She fell back asleep and in her new dream, they were driving down the PCH, listening to Missy Elliott and laughing.

The alarm went off at 7:00. Veronica showered and brushed her hair, clipped it back. She chose her clothes carefully, made sure they were pressed neat. She walked over to the mirror, touched up her eyeliner and lip gloss. Her eyes looked okay, you could barely see the red. She looked fine. She was fine. She could do this. She would talk to Logan, when he was sober, straighten things out and everything would be normal. Well, as normal as it could be now that Lilly was gone.

She walked into the kitchen, poured herself an orange juice and sat next to her father. He was reading the paper. He folded down a corner and smiled at her with an unbearable gentleness.

“Good morning, sweetheart.”

“Good morning, Daddy.”

“You ready?”

“Born ready.”

“That’s my girl.”

They smiled at one another, but for a moment she thought she felt a weight coming from them both, threatening to sink the fragile feeling of normalcy. It was nothing. It couldn't be anything. Veronica reached down underneath the table and scratched at the new scabs on her right knee. She tugged her skirt down over it, neatly hiding them from sight.


End file.
